Do I Fit into Only One Attachment Style?

This question is a very important one to me as someone previously very anxious, and at other times very avoidant in relationships.  Looking back, I now realize how much I judged & pigeon-holed myself into a category and over identified with that label, causing me to repeat unhealthy behaviors instead of seeing the positive, motivating side too!

You Have a Combination of Attachment Behaviors

Despite your struggles with anxiety and/or avoidance in relationships, you likely also have secure tendencies as well.  When you notice something that you're unwilling to tolerate (as long as you're not too rigid), and you speak up, this is a secure response.  Every time you move towards connection in your relationship, not from a fear-based mindset, this is a secure behavior.  When you can listen to your partner objectively, despite the fact that you may play a part in their struggle, this is a secure response.

The statistics on the Fearful Avoidant (or disorganized) attachment style, which is a combination of anxious and avoidant behaviors, is about 7% of the population, but in my work, I personally believe it's much higher.  Many FA's used to identify with being anxious, only to find out that they also started to exhibit avoidant tendencies as a coping mechanism.  Many avoidant partners who start to open up and become vulnerable will start to feel some level of anxiety as they do so.  Both can be balanced & healed.

Attachment Isn't Black & White

You have a combination of healthy and unhealthy responses to connection, conflict, and disconnection in relationships, romantic or otherwise.  Maybe you're more secure in your romantic relationships and less so in friendships.  Maybe you struggle with your partner but feel more secure with family members.  You may have been a lot more anxious with past partners and tend to be more avoidant with your current partner.  Seeing things as black and white causes us to miss very important pieces of the puzzle!

Focus On Your Secure Traits & Those You Want to Develop

Try not to put yourself into one category instead look at your relationship behaviors as a mix of healthy and not as healthy or effective ones.  Seeing your positive traits makes you feel more confident & motivates you more than the negative.  Once you can identify those less-effective responses, you can start to change them over time, falling more into a secure attachment style.  Our checklist in the free Become Secure Guide & Checklist we offer helps with identifying all of these behaviors, and helping you learn what to do instead.

Be Patient with the Process

Changing human behavior rarely happens quickly and drastically, it takes time, just like a baby learning how to talk.  Make sure you're patient with yourself and the process itself.  It won't be perfect, you won't respond perfectly every time, but KEEP GOING!  You will have times where you get triggered, fall back into old patterns, and react in insecure ways.  That's ok!  As long as you have awareness and can learn in hindsight, you'll grow even more from that experience!

Get Help, If Needed

I have found (since becoming secure & helping others since 2019) that those who get good help make bigger shifts.  We often want to try to "do it ourselves" or our brain makes excuses as to why we should avoid taking additional steps.  Learning things intellectually is very different than applying them in real life, so don't be afraid of getting guidance from someone who knows how to accomplish what you want to accomplish!