How & Why Attachment Styles Change

Attachment styles can change for many reasons, either consciously or unconsciously.  If you want to work on your attachment style & relationship skills, this article will help you understand how to navigate the changes you may see in your journey.

Anxious to Avoidant 

This is a common change (it usually happens in adulthood) as someone who was once anxious starts to avoid relationships to stay "safe" or in their comfort zone.  They find that avoiding the situation all together alleviates the anxiety they feel, although this is short-lived.

While this sounds like a good thing, it is actually making things much worse.  Avoidance is not a healthy coping mechanism (unless there is true and imminent danger), and will only reinforce your brain's need for comfort which leads to more anxiety when faced with life's natural discomforts or challenges.  This will then lead to a cycle of more avoidance & anxiety.

That being said, as an anxiously attached person learns to be with their discomfort and process these feelings in a healthy manner (letting them come, letting them go), instead of anxiously wanting others to "fix" it for them, the pendulum can swing to moments of avoidance, but should subside over time as they get better at processing their feelings in a healthy way.

Anxious to Fearful Avoidant (Disorganized)

This shift often happens as the anxiously attached person starts to avoid, but finds themselves shifting back to anxious tendencies when around other anxiously attached people or someone secure initiating solid connection.  

If you're with another anxious person, you may find you want to want to avoid again when they initiate connection, they express certainty about the relationship, or any expression of deep feelings.  You'll then become more avoidant as your anxiety rises and you learn that running alleviates your discomfort (only short-term).  With an avoidant person, you'll lean more anxious as they deactivate & shut down, causing you to fear their potential departure.

Avoidant to Anxious

This is often a GOOD step, and happens as someone who has previously avoided their uncomfortable feelings & connection with others starts to allow & feel their feelings and move towards connection.  While uncomfortable at first, as you allow the feelings to be there, move TOWARDS connection, you'll BUILD COMFORT with connection over time.  

You may find that you feel more anxious as you do this, but it's NOT because you have more anxiety.  It's because you're finally allowing your anxiety to be known & you'll now process it and let it go.  This will help you move towards security with time as you learn to process these newly felt emotions.

Avoidant to Fearful Avoidant

As we change, the pendulum can swing from one end of the spectrum to the other.  Different relationships, or different stages in one relationship, can bring out avoidant responses or anxious feelings and reactions.  

When an avoidantly attached individual starts a relationship with someone anxious, they will tend to feel overwhelmed and want to avoid the difficulties and conversations that arise.  If they are working on their relationship skills, they may also feel anxiety as they invest in the relationship and it is threatened, as this triggers their own fears, which could cause them to go back to avoidant reactions.

When you have both anxious and avoidant tendencies, you fall into the category of fearful avoidant attachment.  This can also happen when the avoidant meets someone who they develop strong feelings for, especially at the beginning of the relationship.

Secure to Insecure

It is not unheard of for someone who was once fairly secure in relationships to start to develop more insecurity in their thoughts, feelings and behaviors.  Remember, even those who are secure can have moments of insecurity, which can show up as holding back one's feelings or needs (avoidance), deactivating emotionally or physically (avoidance), needing reassurance (anxiety), or wanting more certainty about the relationship (anxiety).  

These behaviors aren't always insecure attachment red flags, they can sometimes be normal behaviors based on disconnection or miscommunication, but no one typically fits 100% into one style.

Traumatic events (or a series of them) such as the breakup of a close relationship, death of a friend or family member, mental health issues, or job loss can lead one to experiencing more anxiety, depression, and a pattern of unhealthy coping mechanisms that culminates into insecure attachment for a short or long period of time.

Insecure to Secure

No matter how long you've had an insecure attachment style, you can learn the mental, emotional and behavioral tools to move towards security!

It requires learning how your thought processes lead to your perspectives of the world, and others, and then your choices (that often reinforce your beliefs about yourself and the world around you - called confirmation bias).  Whether it's true or not!  Once you learn where to make changes, you start to see how the way you relate to others changes, followed by an amazing shift in how you feel about yourself others!  

If you want to know what percentage of anxious, avoidant or secure you are in your relationships, take my Attachment Assessment here.

If you want to be secure in relationships, enjoy them more, and overcome your unhelpful patterns, click here to schedule an appointment with Danielle to learn how she can help you Become Secure Quicker!