Attachment Issues or Relationship OCD?

I was pretty badly stuck in the Fearful Avoidant (disorganized) attachment style years, but as I took courses and did therapy, I realized it wasn't enough as I continued to struggle.  The reason - I was struggling with Relationship OCD (ROCD) as well.

What is relationship OCD (ROCD)?

Relationship OCD is obsessions and compulsions in response to fears and worries about relationships (romantic or otherwise).  The obsessions show up in the form of intrusive thoughts & overthinking about a person or relationship in regard to things like compatibly, flaws, feelings, sustainability, or anything really!  Then, to get relief from the extreme discomfort one feels, an OCD sufferer copes by doing compulsions, behaviors done to get rid of the discomfort, to gain certainty, or perfection (for things to look a certain way).  Some common examples are constantly seeking reassurance about their fears or doubts from friends and family members, consistent Googling of doubts and feelings, ruminating (overthinking) for hours, days or even weeks, or avoiding any and all situations that trigger anxiety or discomfort.  These compulsions feel urgent or seemingly rational excuses drive them to continue to do these very unhelpful coping mechanisms.

100% certainty and safety do not exist, but someone with OCD is training their brain (and their brain driving them) to continue to seek certainty & safety.  Therefore, the cycle persists and actually gets worse over time.

Similarities between attachment issues and ROCD?

There are definitely a lot of similarities between attachment issues and ROCD, as well as general anxiety & OCD, which is why OCD can go undiagnosed for so long!  Someone with attachment issues may feel anxiety, they may avoid due to discomfort, and they may even seek reassurance from time to time, but they aren't going to be participating in these compulsive behaviors for hours, days, weeks or even years.  

1. Anxiety - OCD is an anxiety disorder causing high levels of anxiety.  Someone with anxious attachment or fearful avoidant attachment will also feel high anxiety at times.  Both are levels of anxiety incongruent with what is really happening.  The difference is the level and duration of anxiety, which will be higher with someone with OCD, along with the constant compulsions.
2. Avoidance - just like those with an avoidant or fearful avoidant attachment style, someone with OCD will usually avoid uncomfortable situations. 
3. Reassurance - those with anxiety seek more reassurance about their thoughts, feelings and decisions than those who don't have anxiety or an anxiety disorder like ROCD.  Someone with ROCD won't be able to easily stop themselves from asking and will do it more often.
4. Shifting - many, not all, will shift between feelings and behaviors of deactivation (avoidance) and 

Is the treatment different for attachment issues and ROCD?

Many people with attachment issues will seek therapy, in which several different techniques are used (attachment-based therapy, cognitive therapy, behavioral therapy).  Therapy has been helpful for many, but can often take time with only minimal to moderate results.

Only 1% of therapists are trained to recognize and treat OCD, and even less familiarity with ROCD is common, so it often goes misdiagnosed (usually as generalized anxiety disorder) and untreated.  ERP, or exposure & response prevention is the evidence-based treatment and works very successfully.

Exposure to our fears, anxieties & discomforts is a highly successful technique, and is very underutilized in those with anxiety & avoidant patterns.  Exposure, along with stopping the unhelpful coping mechanisms like avoidance, rumination (overthinking/obsessing), seeking reassurance, and others is what got me the quickest results to stopping avoidant behaviors & anxiety (becoming secure).

You see, someone with an anxious attachment style struggles because when they get anxious, they don't have the coping mechanisms so they do whatever they can to "get rid of the anxiety."  Things like seeking reassurance from others or their partner, texting and calling excessively in hopes of reconnecting for a feeling of peace and rushing into commitment as a means to feel safe. 

While a partner who is secure will be more tolerant and provide the anxious partner with more natural reassurance, these unhealthy behaviors can sabotage good relationships.  Once the anxious partner learns how to respond to these extreme feelings of anxiety (exposure) properly, not only will the anxiety fade away, but it's retraining the brain's anxiety response, allowing them to participate in the relationship in a secure and confident manner.

The avoidant attached person will cope by shutting off their feelings, deactivating, and avoiding "uncomfortable" situations.  Each time they do this, they reinforce the need to avoid to escape the discomfort that comes with these situations.  The ONLY way out is to stop avoiding (aka, exposure).

How do I know if I have attachment issues or ROCD?

Essentially, it's the level of obsessions and compulsions that differentiates someone with OCD from someone with attachment issues.  Of course, this all falls on a spectrum, as someone can have "OCD tendencies" that if go untreated, can get worse.  But that doesn't mean that if you seek reassurance and get anxiety that you have OCD.  You can take my ROCD or Insecure Attachment Assessment to find out more or schedule an Initial Session with me to determine which you struggle with and develop a plan that will get you to where you want to go!  Whenever we start working with someone in our programs, they get screened so that you get the proper help to reach your goals!

How can I become secure quicker and more effectively?

After my own journey to secure attachment, I decided to dedicate my life to helping others overcome anxiety & avoidance in relationships as I'd learned tools that I knew not everyone was getting.  While a cost-effective membership program is underway, I offer private 1:1 coaching sessions to anyone who wants to learn how to end the anxious/avoidant cycle and finally feel free and happy in relationships.