Do Avoidant Partners Experience Anxiety?

The answer to this question is actually very important, and it is YES, sort of.

People who avoid uncomfortable thoughts, feelings or situations get really good at shutting down.  They not only shut down behaviorally by disappearing or giving you the silent treatment, but they get very good at shutting down their emotions too.  As soon as they feel even a spark of discomfort, they go into their shell to cope, as this is the only way they've known.

Avoidantly Attached Partners Have More Anxiety Than You Think!

While it may seem like they shut down and don't feel anything at all, they do feel anxiety, you just may not see it.  It's usually low-level anxiety (aka, discomfort) that gets smothered by work, TV, hobbies, alcohol, and other distractions that they use to avoid feeling these emotions or dealing with conflict.  They aren't comfortable feeling their emotions, and they often struggle with even identifying them.  If they weren't using these unhelpful, and often unhealthy, coping mechanisms of deactivation, they would definitely feel more feelings of anxiousness.

Getting In Touch with This Anxiety Is Good!

The good news...the more an avoidant partner gets in touch with these emotions, the more their body learns to process through them and they learn to handle life's discomforts & uncertainties in a much healthier and more confident way!  They are also much more likely to empathize with others when they have feelings of uncertainty and discomfort, offering more connection in their relationships.  

The Pendulum

Human behavior is a complicated thing, and when change is required, we often swing like a pendulum towards the other side before we find balance, so don't be surprised if you feel more anxious at first as you stop avoiding uncomfortable feelings and situations.  You WILL eventually learn how to respond to uncertainty & discomfort in a way that causes less discomfort in these situations, and your confidence in yourself and your relationships will be higher than ever!

Change Takes Time

Expecting someone who's had avoidant tendencies their whole lives to change drastically isn't realistic, just like someone who is anxious will take time to learn how to respond in more helpful ways to retrain their brain out of their typical anxiety response.  Being patient with an avoidant partner as they first learn to identify these feelings, feel them, and finally be vulnerable enough to express them is key!  And being patient with oneself as you navigate this new territory is as important too.

How Do I Get Support In Becoming Secure

Becoming secure is one of the best journey's you'll go on as you learn more about yourself and how to navigate relationships in a healthier way!  The best thing you can do is find a Specialist who can guide and support you (and even your partner) through this journey so that it's as smooth as possible.  Therapy is one option, but at My Anxiety Coach, we take things a step further using skills that helped us go from extreme anxiety & avoidance, to personally becoming secure.  We understand the struggle, we understand the journey, and we know how to get you there!  Schedule an Initial Coaching Session with us to learn more and see if we're the best fit for you!